For many years I have allowed myself to stay in an abusive relationship. I found various reasons although knowingly fooling myself to stay. It’s interesting when you are at a low ebb the things that make you stay in a bad and volatile situation.
For me it was a potpourri of ideals in one sense or so I told myself, ranging from his physical attractiveness (an excuse), then it was the fear of being alone in London. Other times it was what people would say about me rather than the fact that he wasn’t adding up to the expectations and values I know I wanted to see in the man of my dreams. Yet, I stayed for many more years than I should have. I was crippled by my own demons of fear, low self-esteem and cowardice. The ghost of my past that barricaded me each time I attempted to break free , and so like many women and men can testify to same, I ignored the emotional and psychological abuse that were used to control me and I stayed.
I tossed between highs and lows, tears and laughter, the pretense and the sleepless nights while he would cheat, lie and frolic. I carried the weight of his responsibilities for a long time , yet he wanted to be crowned king , given the fattest piece of meat and waited upon hand and foot. Then on day alas! The Penny dropped.
It wasn’t any big thing, like his cheating, his irresponsible behavior or even his untidiness around the home, no it wasn’t. It was one of his regulars, that one trait I hated the most that of his loud shouts, that made me curled up, cried and decided I had had enough. I had one too many shouts, one too many times of feeling scared of his anger and that was it, simple as that. Click! Like the click of a switch. My mum would say that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Can you relate to any of this? I certainly hope not, but whilst that is the case there are thousands of people in our communities living and barely coping in abusive situations because they are not strong enough to get up and walk away. For some, it’s the financial support that comes with having a partner, others it’s the company at winter time and let’s face it the UK is cold but is it’s worth the damage? Only you can answer that question from a deep entrenched part of your soul.
We never can grasp or comprehend the reasons people stay in toxic, violent relationships, but we know there are millions globally and sadly that number grows every day.
Some stay out of fear, low self-esteem and self-worth, financial and emotional blackmail and I could go on forever. Yet whatever the reason it is simply not good enough, stop, think and act today! An abuser is a coward and yes I know of women who think that because he doesn’t beat her, it’s not abuse. Let me tell you something emotional abuse is far worse, as the physical oozes and escapes, the emotional doesn’t.
Here are a few telltale signs that a relationship is toxic in my own experience:
He doesn’t want you to have friends
All your friends are bad for you
He goes through your phone and email
You are his world
He has no circles outside of you
He cannot praise you when you do well
Everything is a competition
You carry all the responsibilities yet he wants you to worship him
He expects you to do all the work on top of it all
Everyman wants to be with you in his eyes
He doesn’t want to discuss the issue and ALL must be swept under the carpet
He uses sex to control you and solves all your problems
He is like another child and uses emotional blackmail
I wouldn’t say it’s easy to get out of a bad and toxic relationship, but when you are with someone and you feel the void I felt yet you are still there, you are far too cognizant that it’s not good for your or your children.
When you find yourself empty and hollow, tearful and sad but cannot even express it much as you fear hurting his ego then, I suggest you get some help and gradually walk away. Yes it will hurt then, but its best that it hurts for 3 years than you stay 10 years and hurt for that long.
Walk away, work on self and get ready for the person who was meant to love you, but first you have to LOVE YOU as failing that, you can’t love anyone.
Speak to a friend , a family member or write things down, but whatever you do GET OUT NOW and save yourself for the person who will love your healthily.
If you are affecting by anything in this blogpost and would like to talk, please email me email@example.com or share it with someone you feel may benefit.
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