My first dabble in cinematography- #thesinglemothersdiary.
When I thought of doing the single mother anthology, it was an exciting feeling, to be honest. I was sitting in my car frustrated, wondering what I would do with my son because of the job offer I was just presented with. But of course, I had no childcare, no family support and we needed the money. You see that has been the story of my own life for the past 18 years.
The job was there, I didn’t have anybody to look after my son, and here I was once again. I had fallen back into a situation that I never wanted to be in, again.
That of a single mother.
Before my son, (Mikhel Kai) was seven, I had my daughter, Chardonnay, life was hard and we worked together for a long time on this journey, just the two of us juggling life.
I never wanted to be a single mother again, and here I was. What was I supposed to do when my eldest who was now 14, a grown teenager and I was about to I give birth to a baby? Was I to do an abortion? Was I to die? Trust me, getting an abortion was one thought but I decided to carry on.
He was a new addition to our family, and I had started doing everything I swore I would never have to do, again.
I was doing the nursing, changing all the diapers and I always thought I would never do all of that alone again, but what was I to do?
Single mothers, as busy as life gets please remember focussing on what you want is the best way to get out of this space. We sometimes sink into a pit of poor me syndrome, but listen to me, learn to snap out of that space and focus more on what you desire at the end of this chapter of your life.
I was gifted with a beautiful son, a fantastic kid who enriched my life. I never wanted to be a single mother again, and my unique mother journey began when I was at the age of 22. I was married back in 1998 and gave birth to my beautiful daughter Chardonnay Elizabeth and didn’t do everything alone at first, as her father and I were together. But as life would have it, we got separated, but it was never that challenging, as I was able to afford nannies, etc. Then, life happened again, and I ended up in the UK.
(See The Mango Girl and learn more about my life, as this book isn’t so much about that.)
However, life became more challenging when I moved to the UK, and I didn’t have any support system. Back in Jamaica, you can ask a neighbour or friend to give you a hand in picking up the child, but here in the UK, the laws are so strict that you can’t have anybody pick up the child unless they are registered on a list and it becomes complicated beyond belief.
So, how was I going to juggle everything? As a result, I spent a lot of my time being a supply teacher, who was an agency staff, and so I lived a very cagey and sheltered life and to be honest, sometimes it was frustrating. I couldn’t date, I couldn’t get a breather, and I had no personal space most of the time.
I wasn’t able to take a breather, yet I found myself caring for two children as a single mother and struggling with the bills was hard. I found myself wrapping my son in a blanket sometimes in winter due to lack of petrol. OH, it has been hard. I was bending my back all by myself, and it was draining. I was going for a corporate job and just making enough money to pay for the nursery, his father didn’t contribute. Chardonnay became a teenager very quickly, her needs changed, and I wanted to write a book about showing the other side of what single parents go through. I’m not in a position to give you the whole background of my single-parent life, but sometimes I feel like giving up because I feel like the one pair of shoes that gets worn everywhere.
You see my single mum’s journey got complicated here in the UK when my daughter was diagnosed with mental health issues, and then, my life became harder because I had to be the one to deal with it all. Her dad, even today, has not come to grips with it and I think it is either he doesn’t want to deal with it or doesn’t know how to deal with it. So, this meant that I did not just have to carry ALL (Burden), but also, I had a mental health issue added to my pile.
My life became more complicated, and I found myself at the Priory (private mental hospital) a lot for years and also the NHS hospital with my daughter’s mental health challenges.
There were days when she would cry like a baby, and I would have to shush her, sing her lullabies and stroke her face, while I sat there crying inside. Sometimes, in the struggle of it all, I realized that the financial piece of my single-mother journey wasn’t the hardest, it was the emotional aspects that I found most challenging.
This is one of the hardest things because a mother should have the answers to fix her child, be able to give them something to make them feel better and be able to make things better instantly. I was helpless about her problems, and I just had to support her in any way possible and be by her side, which was the best I could do.
Therefore, my single mother journey has impacted me terribly.
My life felt like it consisted of school runs and being a taxi service for activities, my son attended each week. He loved basketball and karate, which he engaged in regularly. On Saturdays, he visited his friends and on Sundays, he played rugby and also attended church with me. Talking about it without tears welling in my eyes was hard. It was hard to say to my son that I had been trying to prevent him from pursuing something he was genuinely passionate about. He actively wanted to try new things and be a part of something and interact with other children. I think that’s the main reason he loved to go to these activities and that made me feel guilty.
I, however, think kids who are exposed to negative parenting are better off in a stable, harmonious one-parent family, more than living in a tumultuous, two-parent family, where kids are exposed to turmoil, arguments, and fits of anger on a regular basis. That was our story, and I didn’t want that for my kids.
Although my ex-husband did not live with us, I hated his presence. Ever since he left, it was the best thing he did because it gave me a chance to parent my children the way I wanted to in a safe environment. So, I want you to pause and imagine you are a single mother who is out there questioning yourself. I want you to stop questioning yourself. If this is where you are right now, give your children what they need and the best of you and make them your priority, it will raise your vibration.
So I say to those who are single mothers, regardless of how you got here, you cannot fix it right now. Where you are is where you can step up to the plate and decide that you are going to be the best version of yourself that you can be, even if you were not parented yourself.
So, single mothers out there I salute you. I’ll say to you, be the best version of yourself you can be regardless of what life has thrown at you. Be kind to yourself. You did the best you could do in all of your circumstances and personally, one lesson I have learned is never to carry guilt and shame and I had to get to a place where I did just that. I left those two things behind me. As a single mother that was hard.
I had two children from different fathers, and I felt ashamed for a very long time. However, I was also given a chance to love them twice as much. To be the best mother I could be. In this state, I learned to listen better to my kids without all the noise and trauma of my ex. Life was more harmonious.
On another positive note, I want to thank my kids for being such amazing children to me, even when I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t deserve their forgiveness or their patience. I love you, and I thank you. I apologize for all those times I didn’t have for you, I didn’t deserve your forgiveness, love or even patience. Thanks for being patient with me.
I’m proud to see the woman and man that you are becoming, and it gives me such joy to see you both prosper despite our circumstances. This piece is dedicated to the single women out there; those who are trying to do this but also to Chardonnay Elizabeth and Mikhel Kai, this is dedicated to you too from my heart. I want to say thank you to the women who showed up in this book. I am going to stand with a van and change the narrative conversation and agenda around a single woman to assure the world that single men don’t have to produce worthless children and we don’t have to be willing. Also, we don’t benefit from the timer and always have to be what society classifies as the less.
The biggest reason for this book is to change the narrative of how single mothers are seen, demonstrating that we can turn out well-measured children who are valuable to the world. I also wanted to have women share their stories to empower others and help them along the way with their own journey
To all the co-authors in this book and all single mamas know that you are amazing, and you make this earthshine brighter. I’m just so delighted that I got to stand beside you at this particular time in my own path.
If you want to grab a chat about how you can be included in volume 2, please email me today at info@avabrown.org.
The launch is October 26th and here is where you can get tickets to join us:
In the UK, there are more than 1.7 million single mothers while in the US, more than 15 million women are parenting children on their own. This book by 11 single mothers shares a universal and empowering message: You are not alone, single moms―and your wisdom, strength, courage, sacrifices and selfless love are worthy of celebration.
The world tells single mothers that they are destined for poverty, sacrifices, a single life and being broke at retirement. Sometimes the narrative gets even deeper as many voices in our culture imply that children from single-parent homes will often amount to very little if anything at all. Too often these moms who do it all have been misrepresented and maligned.
